Changes Teenagers Need of Their Father to Improve Relationship

Have you ever had the desire for someone to change their negative behavior because it was destroying or damaging the relationship? I am quite sure your answer is probably, yes! As a parent, I have made many mistakes but I always valued our teenagers’ perspective on things. Sometimes we disagreed but we did everything we could to prevent damaging the relationship. My greatest desire was to always respect my adolescents' opinions.

 

Listed below are changes teenagers said they needed of their father to improve their relationship:

 

 Sierra: "My father and I have a good relationship. But I know I have a lot of hostility against him because of how much he drinks. I don’t. normally let the hostility out but sometimes I do. I know sometime it hurt but it hurts me to watch him drink every day."

Sara wants her father to stop drinking because of the damage the alcohol is doing to her father physically and emotionally. She was very concerned about the impact on their relationship. I hope that one day Sierra's father will stop drinking so that her life will be better as they rebuild their relationship. Her father needs to seek help to stop drinking. I pray and hope he will make a commitment to get help.

Frank: "My pop needs to listens to me more often

Vanessa: "My father needs to talk to me instead of arguing with me."

Dallas: "My father needs to spend more time with me and be there for me without yelling at me. Talk to me instead of yelling at me."

Tammy: "My daddy needs to be in my life more.  Daddy needs to understand where I am coming from about everything."

Hillary: “I wish my dad would come to see me more often and spend time with me. I also want my dad to love me in spite of all the mistakes I have made!"

Ruby: "My father needs to talk to me more often and don't tell me he's going to do things for me and then he doesn’t follow through"

 

Comments on teenagers’ responses to question

 

Adolescents are wonderful to be around to engage in a conversation about life. Teens are very intelligent but some have deficiencies in life skills which may and may not be as a result of their doing. These teenagers shared their feelings but sometimes they fail to share their feelings with their father. Listed below are 16 steps every father in the world should consider to improve their relationship with their teenager:

 

Fifteen (16) steps for a father to improve relationship with their teenager

1. Always keep your promise
2. Do not make a promise you can't keep
3.  Explain why you can't keep the promise before hand, if the promise must be broken
4. Avoid substance of abuse to prevent damaging the relationship with your teenager.
5. Take time to listen and give advice only when your teenager ask for it
6.  Do not yell at your teenager but speak firmly with a loving and caring heart
7.  Make spending time with your teenager a high priority
8.  Avoid working when you are spending time with your teenager
9. Communication your feelings with respect to your teenager during conflict
10. Do not give material things as a substitute to spending time with your teenager
11. Model being a great father to your youth
12. Teach your teenager the life skills needed to be successful
13. Show unconditional love regardless of the number of wrong choices your youngster makes
14. Model to your adolescent the value of serving others
15. Value your teenager’s opinion as a supportive father building a relationship your teenager
16. Show your teenager what it means to be committed to a relationship

Written: Billy J.  Strawter, Sr

(c) 2012 EnviCare Consulting, Inc.   All rights reserved

Challenges Teenagers Are Facing With Their Parents

Challenges Teenagers Are Facing With Their Parents

I had an excellent opportunity to ask a group of teenagers about challenges they are personally facing with their parents.  The teenagers were very opened to responding to the question. I do believe they were honest about their feelings. I hope the information contained within this article will assist everyone in understanding the challenges teenagers are facing with their parents. We need to understand what our teenagers are struggle with in life in order to assist the teenagers in their development. Listed below are their responses. The names were changed to protect their identity.

What challenges are you facing with your parents?

Mercy: The challenges I am facing with my parents are they don’t trust me anymore because of the wrong choices I have made and because of the friends I make. They don’t help me when I need help.

Tom: Some of the challenges I am facing with my parents are poor communication and they are not listening to what I have to say. They do not give me a chance to make a decision on what I want to do. Most of the time, I do what they want or tell me to do but I never really get a say.

Jacob: The challenges I’m facing is with my mom. She is always thinking that I am lying.  Most of the times I take her things without permission but I can’t help myself. I try to ask but when I do she says no. I get mad and angry when she says no. When I ask my mother for something, she normally says no.  I end up taking whatever she said no to.  Then I say I asked and try to be nice.

Nathan: Some challenges I face with my parents is actual getting alone with one of them. We sometimes don’t see eye to eye. It gets hard when you are in the same household. That’s why I live with the parent I live with because I feel more comfortable and relaxed with. Another challenge that I face with my parents is being in self-control. We get out of control when a situation comes up.  Instead of solving the problem calmly and respectable, we react with yelling and disrespect.

Phillip:  The challenges I face with my parent are:  

1. They use up all the gas.
2. They are gone all the time.
3.  I am not allowed to hang out with certain friends.
4.  We have issues about my messy room and asking for money.
5.  We are arguing about grades.
6.  I am always being locked in my room.
7. Yelling!

Faye: The challenges I am facing with my parents is that they don’t trust me. They never trust me know matter what it is. Another thing is they have trouble understanding me. They think they do and they do try. But they still fail to trust and understand me.

  

Mark: The challenges I am facing with my parents are:

1. They don’t trust me 
2. Problems with my dad
3. Issues over homework
4. My parents over complaining
5.  Issues with my siblings

Cam: I have a close relationship with my parents. But if we ever have any problems, it is about going out with friends and that I am hanging around. Some of my friends my parents don’t particular like.

Emmanuel:  I am at a very rebellious stage in my life. I want to be able to do what I won’t to do. I want them to stop trying to make my decision for me. This is a big challenge, but I am winning. As long as what I am doing does not affect how well I do in school nor put my life in danger, they should have no say in what I do.

Dexter: The challenges I am facing with my parents is them not believing in me when I get in trouble or tell the truth. Another issue is when we both disagree on something. Sometimes I can hear like a crying sound in her force but no tears.

Debbie:  The challenges I am facing with my parents is that I am never really able to get along with my mom for longer than three hours. Because when I am talking to her she will say that she does not want to hear it even if it’s something that I am worried about. It’s not like I have a dad I can communicate with because he passed away in a car accident before I was one year old. When I and my mom actually do get along its fun but I know it won’t last for long.

Ray: Some challenges I am facing is communication at this time. They don’t always listen to what I have to say or give me a chance to make a decision on what I want to do. Most of the time, I just do what they want to do or tell me to do so I never really get a say.

Parents, I hope you have had an opportunity to reflect on the issues teenagers or facing with their parents.   Maybe you are facing similar issues with your teenager and you are struggling how to deal with your situation. All of the issues they wrote about can be easily dealt with. As a parent and grandparent who have worked with teenagers for many years, the common mistakes parents make are listed below:

1.  Don’t have dinner frequently as a family. Eating dinner as a family helps with communication, listening and understanding what the teenager is facing.
2. Don’t allow there teenager to rebuild trust as a result of the bad choices the teenager made in the past.
3. Lack of awareness of their teenager need to make their own decision sometimes. They need to make decision even though sometimes they might fail.  You must guide your teenager through this stage of development because eventually they might become parents. It’s okay to monitor their thinking’s process, and give them some guidance with a loving, caring and compassionate heart.
4. Unaware of the issues the teenager is facing in school.  Set aside time to get involved in the school and get to know your teenager’s teachers.
5. Didn’t take an opportunity to adequately explain to the teenager the reasons they can’t hang out with certain friends. It’s very important that the decision to limit who the teenager hangs out with is based on health and safety of the teenager. For example, a teenager was told that he couldn’t hang out with a friend because he was goofy. I asked him “What did your mother mean? He explained that his mother said “He was too messy.”  This is not a realistic reason to request that the teenager don’t hang out with his friend.
6.  Didn’t communicate feelings to teenager with respect without yelling
7. Over reacting when the teenager make wrong choices

Parents, please take the time to understand, listen, trust, avoid yelling, and become the greatest role model for your teenager. There are other role models in your teenager’s life but you must be the greatest. A strong relationship with your teenager will maximize your ability to influence the teenager in an awesome way. You will always experience some challenges with your teenager. However, when the teenager becomes an adult the life skills you taught the teenager will be absolutely valuable and beneficial.

Written by: Billy J. Strawter, Sr.

© 2012 EnviCare Consulting, Inc.                                       All Rights Reserved

Simple Ways Parents Can Discipline a Teenager

One of the most challenging aspects of being a parent is disciplining a teenager when they have made wrong choices; especially when they have violated your trust. Parents also struggle with who will be the disciplinarian when actually both should be. It is imperative that parents work in unison when it comes to discipline. If you don't, the teenager will foster disagreement between their parents.

A teenager knows how to steal your heart with their eyes and pitiful looks when being disciplined. Don't give into the teenager unless you have strong reasons to believe the negative behavior will discontinue. Listed below are some guidelines you should follow when it comes to disciplining your teenagers.

1. Disciplining should be based on the teenager's current negative behavior: Avoid bring up the past even though it might be the same negative behavior. Your teenager already knows about the problem. You should remain focused on dealing with the current problem. Make sure you listen and avoid yelling and screaming. Communicate your feelings about the situation with a calm and strong voice. Above all, it is very important that you listen carefully to your teenager.
2. Never use discipline as a dumping ground for your personal conflict with others: If you have a personal problem with someone else, please don't allow it to impact how you respond to your teenager. If you can't calm yourself, you need to wait until later before you deal with your teenager. You need to focus on thinking clearly and calmly as you deal with your teenager’s issues.
3. Use appropriate disciplinary actions for each teenager: Every teenager is different so choose the right disciplinary actions that will give the most benefits in changing the teenager's negative behavior. When a teenager is very popular, a good method is to take away privileges. (No phone, no friends for two weeks, etc.). For example, our son was popular, smart, involved with sports and had an abundance of friends. So we had to utilize a variety of disciplinary actions. His punishments included taking away the car or phone and staying away from friends. If you have a teenager that sits at home, it's more challenging to discipline them. For example, our daughter focused on one friend at a time. She loved staying at home. So we decided her punishment would be to walk around the block. She would say "This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen.” But the punishment was very effective and changed her behavior. 
4. Use a variety of disciplinary actions to deter the teenager's negative behavior: By utilizing the same disciplinary action over and over again, the teenager will eventually become desensitized. Parents should employ multiple types of disciplinary actions to deter the teenager's negative behavior. Apply consequences that will not put you in bondage, the teenager should be affected more than the parents.
5. Disciplinary actions should be designed to eliminate or minimize the teenager's negative behavior: When a teenager's negative behavior does not change after disciplining, there could be some event that is causing the negative behavior that you don't know. You should sit down with your child and present them with an opportunity to express their feelings. It is the parent’s responsibility to listen intently to what the teenager has articulated or not articulated. Avoid becoming frustrated if you don't understand your teenager's issues. Your teenager's negative behavior could be a result of stress, substance abuse, bullying, divorce, relationships, pregnancy, jealousy, academics, sexual transmitted diseases, rape, peer pressure, incest, sibling rivalry or other issues. If you need outside assistance with your teenager don't hesitate to get help. Make sure you seek the right type of counselor for your teenager. 
6. Discipline must be a continuous and consistent process which sets boundaries for the teenager: Avoid reducing your teenager's punishment because you are worn down as a result of the teenager's constant nagging. Your teen will take advantage of your weakness. You and your spouse should be in agreement about the disciplinary action.
7. Discipline shows the teenager the consequences of breaking those boundaries: Teenagers need to know and understand that there are boundaries not to cross and to understand the consequences for breaking those boundaries. Teenagers need to understand that boundaries are established for their protection.
8. Avoid disciplining a teenager out of anger. Try to understand the reason(s) for negative behavior: Parents, you must stay in control when using discipline. Do not yell nor use words that will damage your teenager’s self-esteem. You will be more effective in dealing with the situation, when you treat your teen with respect. 
9. Discipline the teenager with a caring and compassionate heart: Parents, you should always discipline your teenager in ways that do not attack your teen's character. Let your teenager know you are concerned about potential negative consequences on his or her life. It's important to use words that build up your teenager instead of tearing them down.
10. Award the teenager for positive behavior: It is appropriate to reward your teenager for making right choices, especially when the teenager has worked hard to improve their behavior. Parents should be eager to reward their teenager for the small improvements which will hopefully lead to great success for the teenager and peace within the home.

Written by Mr. Wisdom

(c) 2011 EnviCare Consulting All Rights Reserved Worldwide